Peter And The Wolf

Noncanonical Texts

Bolton Abbey and Mount St. Odile Script Fragments

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Chapter 14

And when he had finished drinking, he turned his cup upside down and let the drops of wine fall to the ground. Then, mixing the wine with dust, he made a paste which he smeared over the eyes of the blind man. Nobody knows why he did this, but the blind man was very offended and felt ridiculed.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Chapter 8

Verses 10-22

Now it is clear that those who leap from roof-top to roof-top are righteous and upstanding men. Let us also jump like gazelles, learning the ways of the free-runner. For just as every bird is enslaved by the sky, so too are we enslaved by our terrain. Let us leap like glorious French men accross the skyine of Paris, and revel in the edifying spectre of outrageous jumps, and like children let us pretend to be martial artists and scissor kick our girlfriends.

Chapter 178

When Martin had finished speaking he laid down his bread and addressed the people, gathered as they were on the hills surrounding Jilabilaleth.
"I have told you how to live righteous lives; how to love your God and how to love your neighbours. I think I've said pretty much all there is in that respect, so let me just say something about personal attire. Okay, humility is fine and sandals and cloaks, etc, are fine with me. I'm not so sure about cardigans though, or those jumpers you guys are going to end up making synonymous with this faith. What I will say is that it's perfectly fine to be good looking, and what's more, to wear really cool things like hats and boots. Why do you think you were given this world in the first place hey? Enjoy it people, dress up, have fun, just keep to the good rules and it's fine. Oh and before I forget, let every man try facial hair, but let no man have a goatie, unless he is French and can pull it off. Not literally of course. "
Saying this he sat back down and began again to eat with his followers.

Chapter 98

And although it is wrong to work on a Sabbath, it is okay to kick a football in the street. Furthermore, though it is wrong to have adulterous thoughts it is fine to watch it dramatised on tv. Should ye fall into temptation and find yourself in need of a wife or husband, take for yourself a wife or husband. But first, set up a Christian Union and use it as a bizarre dating ground, devoid of true commitment or Godliness. In this way, the heathen shall know that you are better.

Chapter 300

Never was there a man like Dennis. He was fattest of them all, and fell three times before he died of falling.

Chapter 18


Forgive not the angry horse. Kick it, if you have to. Never allow a woman a house, lest she get comfortable and aggressive. Let falling snow gather like dust, but let falling dust melt like snow, but let melting snow fall like dust, and let dusty snow melt like fall.

Chapter 190

Verses 16-22

"And then Melvin came down from the mountain and found himself some oranges, and he did drink. When he had finished he gave thanks to the Lord for the gift of oranges, and then he went back up to the very peak of the mountain. The next day, the day of the Third festival of Pararara, he came back down the mounatain and had an apple. For these reasons Melvin became known as the Widow of Shelbalath, and was feared throughout the land. Later that evening, he was struck thrice by lightening, and the people came and gathered his belongings, and burnt them since they stank.

When Darren had finished telling the children about the Parable of Melvin, one of them said, 'Teacher, what does it mean?' Darren replied 'I don't know, but isn't that very much like knowing, in the end?'"