Peter And The Wolf

Noncanonical Texts

Bolton Abbey and Mount St. Odile Script Fragments

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Chapter 76 vs. 1-48

And verily the leech gatherer did return from the woods and spake unto those who had bothered to turn up:
There are at least 6 other things you could be doing with your time right now which would be much better for you. Why aren't you doing them? If you made a habit of doing them consistently, likelihood is you'd be an incredibly successful and accomplished soul. But you don't, because you're human. And that's the end of it. Now what was it today that I found so disgusting? You don't know, so don't even feign reply. I found the well structured and thoroughly impressive life-plans of my colleagues entirely abhorrent. Why? Partly in jealously, but mostly because my soul grew weary just listening to them. Life is not just about disposable income. It is not just about a judicious balance between socialising and employment. In fact, it's not all that clear what it is about, and that's something you should be turning your attention to. Get on with it big face. Work it out. And in the meantime, drop stupid ideas such as 'life is what you make it' and 'everyone must walk their own path' because thinking like that is lazy and quite frankly a convoy of ten-tonne lorries filled with heaped bollocks. Life is one thing and not another. Sure you'd like to say it's up to you to give it meaning but you know that it may well just be entirely out of your hands, whatever you might prefer to believe. And the truth is you could be wasting a lot of valuable time pursuing your stinking career if it turns out you're scheduled to have a heart attack next week. Which is to say that YES, YOU SHOULD BE CRIPPLED BY YOUR MORTALITY AND NOT DO ANYTHING AT ALL UNTIL YOU HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH IT. Which isn't to push you towards religion, because fundamentally that may well be another convoy of bollocks, but better you think about it now than come crying to momma when your eighty six and unfulfilled and lying in hospital and thinking 'Shit, have I really lived for eighty-six years, and how come I'm still so ignorant about so much?' Because it will happen to you, which is not to say that you should let this fact ruin your life, but like it or not, it has already defined it. So the best thing you can do is put down your CV and work out why exactly you prefer being happy to being sad, breathing to not breathing, music to violence. And I'll be surprised if you work it out straight away, so maybe you'll need to go to others to find help. And in the meantime maybe you can have a career to physically sustain your investigations. And maybe you'll spend your whole life thinking about it until you get to eighty-six and think 'Shit, why didn't I just play football the whole time?' And that's a hard question to answer, so you'd better have an answer prepared. Good day to you sir."
When the teacher had said these things unto those gathered around he began to throw leeches at them. Many were moved to tears and the local authorities and rulers of the land were forced to take him out.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Chapter 91

Verse 7-10

Submit to the authorities, except the ones you don't like. Then it's okay to criticism them and ridicule them. Pay your taxes, unless it's the poll tax, and obey the law, except for the one about speeding, or the one about beeping your car horn just to get someone's attention, etc.

Chapter 14

vs. 12-13

"You have heard that it is said 'give unto the poor', and 'from dust I was made, to dust I shall return'. Well I say unto you to forget all that and send your money to me, because I've got a place in heaven which allows me to store all my earthly possessions."
Then the congregation left the chapel of Bethal and returned to their homes, remembering all that their teacher Pastor Bob McFerral had told them.

Chapter 19

Verses 23-24

After the meal was finished a young man stood up from the table and declared:
'I am finished, now how shall we split the bill?'
It was then that people realised he would one day betray them, forgetting his friends in favour of a big job in the city.

Chapter 321

Verses 12-14

And verrily the window did steam up. Then, taking a toothbrush, he drew lines in the steam so as to bring about the image of a face, smiling, with two tufts of hair, peeking over a brick wall. When he had finished he saw that it was good and chuckled to himself, but then his girlfriend saw him and told him to grow up, so he wiped it off and carried on shaving.