Noncanonical Texts

Bolton Abbey and Mount St. Odile Script Fragments

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Chapter 456

Verses 13-59

Phileas begat James,
James begat Raymond
Raymond begat Adahar,
Adahar begat Jabel,
Jabel walked among the peoples of the earth for forty years and forty days. Jabel is the father of all those who play twind instruments or wake themselves with a sudden jolt as they are falling asleep. And then he died.
Jabel begat Samson,
Samson begat Sampson,
Sampson begat the Leylandii Tree
the Leylandii Tree begat Phillip,
Phillip was a fierce man known across the land of Sid and Ashar for his fearlessness. He killed 4,000 men and all the seed of Adhar, King of Assaria, and on the 3rd epoch the cloud took him.
Phillip begat 12 children, the best of which was Raisin.
Raisin studied the creatures of the earth and married into the Nephilim. However, Greasy Jack, daughter of Phileas and oldest among all peoples of the earth, struck him down in envy. From this day forth Raisin was known as Rhiashajack, meaning 'slain of Jack'.
Raisin begat Selby,
Selby begat Fitzsimmons,
Fitzsimmons begat Lesley,
Lesley was a disease,
Lesely begat Dale.
At this time no rain had fallen on the earth and men lay with other men for japes.

In the fourth year of the reign of Phillip, Dale undertook a GNVQ in statecraft, receiving a 2:1 in chicanery, a 1:2 in tomfoolery, a 2:2:1 in jiggerypokery, a minor in shenanigans and a major in networked management management management network rollout topdown slash dot management. He went on to perform an auxiliary role in the governance of the land, soliciting research drafts of strategy papers from third rate academic institutions and thinktank/lobbyist/advocacy/thieving groups. He was lonely, he was weary, he was ugly, he was feared, he was a highly sucessful politician. In the eighth year of the reign of Phillip, it rained. Dale died.

Dale Begat Shannon,
Shannon begat Elisa,
Elisa begat Elizzar,
Elizzar begat Joseph,
Joseph begat Shirley,
Shirley begat nine Franks,
three Franks begat two Felicitys and one Seamus, six Franks begat four Cales,
Four Cales begat Dinah,
Dinah begat Motown,
Motown begat Anya,
Anya begat Graeme,
Graeme begat Graham,
Graham begat Nigel,
Nigel father only one child, a girl known as a Sarai-el Farah, meaning "Born unto me is sorrow"
Sarai-el Farah begat Tiny,
Tiny begat Jesse,
Jesse begat a Cat,
a Cat begat Myrtle,
Myrtle begat Sue,
Sue took the pill for all her days and died.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

fuckin what the fuckety fuck fuck fuck????????????????????????
That olivia has a fukcin thing for you an all, bet shes one of them dirty chritsian lasses who acts all high and proper but makes you go down on her in h the sac

7:51 AM  

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