Peter And The Wolf

Noncanonical Texts

Bolton Abbey and Mount St. Odile Script Fragments

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Chapter 18

Verse 33

'During the reign of Simon the Pilferer a cloud appeared to the west of the great city of Capethafar. This was where the hermit Charles had once boiled a girl. After 43 days and 43 nights a great wind came and blew it out to sea. It was never seen again.'

Chapter 16

Proverb 14

Live longer, die young.

Chapter 31

Verses 19-25

'There will be rumours of the Beadle, but still the Beadle will not have come. Many false Jeremy Beadles will come, but you may know them by the quality of their capes and tricks. When the Edmonds rises to proclaim the Gotcha, the path will be prepared for the coming of the Beadle. These will be dark times and many will run to the hills and hide. But they will find no relief from the power of You've Been Framed. Those who have followed in the way of the Edmonds will be spared, but those who rejected him will suffer in torment and agony, crying "Watch out, Beadle's about!" No one can know the exact day and time of his coming, although it is likely to be a Saturday evening around about six o'clock at some point in the early nineties.'

Chapter 19

Verses 29 - 35

'On the following morning they returned to the place where they had seen the money. This time the money was not there, so Nigel built an altar at this place naming it "Doshadgoneth", meaning the "Place where the money had been." Darius and Sebastian fasted for 33 minutes, and there was much dancing and drinking of wine. Then, seeing this merriment, Edgar, who had been in the nearby valley collecting weeds and selotape juice, approached Nigel and the revellers to see what had made them so happy. After they recounted the miraculous story of the vanishing money to him, Edgar pondered for a while before replying; "You say that you lost your money in this spot yesterday, but upon returning this morning it had vanished miraculously. But I say to you this was no miracle. Your money was stolen by peasants, and it has been squandered on sherbert and dungarees."
When the crowd who had gathered to celebrate with Nigel heard these things they hung their heads in shame. Then one of the crowd, a young slender man by the name of Craig, exclaimed; "Let us stone Nigel, so that our shame will not rise up and be on the heads of our sons, and our son's sons, and our son's son's sons!" At this they gathered stones to attack Nigel. However, because Nigel was a giant, they fled to the hills and burnt the surrounding villages.