Peter And The Wolf

Noncanonical Texts

Bolton Abbey and Mount St. Odile Script Fragments

Monday, October 23, 2006

Chapter 908

Verses 28 - 32

Love not the silent fear, for loudly will it shake you down and steal your change.
Love not the late night high flight, for the morning comes more forcefully, heavier and blunt.
It will tear your aching heart apart.
Look longingly into mirror, with condensed morning breath obscuring tired mourning eyes,
and beg beg beg your Lord for mercy.
But still it will not come.

And then, on the last day, when the final pension payment has been made, the light will fall upon your drunken deeds, your whole drunken life, in which you stumbled blind from one empty promise to another. Oh praise praise in the highest, now you see the light, the cracks in the brush strokes and the dirt under the nails. Oh praise and praise and ecstasy, now you feel the damp, the cold under the cushion and the sulphur of the lightning strike. On this day there will be howling and gnashing of teeth, and tea and coffee, and biscuits, and a Welsh hymn, and the youngsters dressed in grieving black, and the chimney smoke, as you go back.

Hallowed be His game.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Chapter 112

Verses 19-26

It was at this time that Simon The Pilferer was remonstrating in Hahfalaeth, and many people traveled to the Great City of Capethafar to seek refuge. On the fourth morning a young shepherd girl lead her flock to the west of the city to seek out fresh pastures and gather selotape juice from the slopes of Mount Sheercapethafar. A hermit by the name of Charles had lived in nearby caves for many centuries, and saw the young girl approaching from a distance. Without hesitation he prepared a fire and a boiling pot. When the girl reached the pastures close to Charles he called to her, saying "Young girl, come here so that I might boil you in my pot." Sensing Charles was a great man, the girl hopped into the pot and was promptly boiled. Later that evening the girl returned home. As she approached the people of the city began to panic, saying "Hark at her, she is returned boiled and hardened." When the young girl entered the city it was clear that she had lasers on her wrists and missiles in her toes. From this day forth she was known as Charalaffarmonagsheth, meaning "The girl that Charles the Hermit boiled so as to give her lasers on her wrists and missiles in her toes."
It was the fifth day, and the people slowed.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Chapter 456

Verses 13-59

Phileas begat James,
James begat Raymond
Raymond begat Adahar,
Adahar begat Jabel,
Jabel walked among the peoples of the earth for forty years and forty days. Jabel is the father of all those who play twind instruments or wake themselves with a sudden jolt as they are falling asleep. And then he died.
Jabel begat Samson,
Samson begat Sampson,
Sampson begat the Leylandii Tree
the Leylandii Tree begat Phillip,
Phillip was a fierce man known across the land of Sid and Ashar for his fearlessness. He killed 4,000 men and all the seed of Adhar, King of Assaria, and on the 3rd epoch the cloud took him.
Phillip begat 12 children, the best of which was Raisin.
Raisin studied the creatures of the earth and married into the Nephilim. However, Greasy Jack, daughter of Phileas and oldest among all peoples of the earth, struck him down in envy. From this day forth Raisin was known as Rhiashajack, meaning 'slain of Jack'.
Raisin begat Selby,
Selby begat Fitzsimmons,
Fitzsimmons begat Lesley,
Lesley was a disease,
Lesely begat Dale.
At this time no rain had fallen on the earth and men lay with other men for japes.

In the fourth year of the reign of Phillip, Dale undertook a GNVQ in statecraft, receiving a 2:1 in chicanery, a 1:2 in tomfoolery, a 2:2:1 in jiggerypokery, a minor in shenanigans and a major in networked management management management network rollout topdown slash dot management. He went on to perform an auxiliary role in the governance of the land, soliciting research drafts of strategy papers from third rate academic institutions and thinktank/lobbyist/advocacy/thieving groups. He was lonely, he was weary, he was ugly, he was feared, he was a highly sucessful politician. In the eighth year of the reign of Phillip, it rained. Dale died.

Dale Begat Shannon,
Shannon begat Elisa,
Elisa begat Elizzar,
Elizzar begat Joseph,
Joseph begat Shirley,
Shirley begat nine Franks,
three Franks begat two Felicitys and one Seamus, six Franks begat four Cales,
Four Cales begat Dinah,
Dinah begat Motown,
Motown begat Anya,
Anya begat Graeme,
Graeme begat Graham,
Graham begat Nigel,
Nigel father only one child, a girl known as a Sarai-el Farah, meaning "Born unto me is sorrow"
Sarai-el Farah begat Tiny,
Tiny begat Jesse,
Jesse begat a Cat,
a Cat begat Myrtle,
Myrtle begat Sue,
Sue took the pill for all her days and died.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Chapter 198

Verses 14-17

Then the people came and said: "Teacher, tell us how to live our lives so that we too can inherit this kingdom of which you speak." After fondling a twig, the teacher turned to the people, saying:
Don't go to the Governor's house.
The Governor's house is dry.
The house is dry and full of rats.
It's a rat house, the Governor's house.
After hearing these words the people felt humbled, and returned to their villages to tell their neighbours what they had heard.